19th July 2021

Got up at 8am and did the 2 sets of stretches here. I know this isnt exactly intensve weight loss but its a start. I went with the “seniors” one as ive bad back and bad knees, once if nuilt a little strength there ill branch out, the fact i am doing some exercise here is good unto itself

nearly 2pm, did another set of 6 40 seconds exercise, 20 seconds rest, working on arms, need to check out exercises for belly fat as that is one of the main problems for me

Food
Overnight oats with blueberries
1 slice toast, butter, marmalade (bad)
Salad with Chicken
Dinner (Louisianna Lingune (from Simply Cook)

Drink
1 tea
1 glass of water – nowhere near enough
1 cup of coffee

Pleasure:
some more music tonight I think

Positive:
actually did some of the exercise i’d said I’d do, twice even

Lucky Me:
Hmm, i can see me repeating a lot in this one

Achievements:
Actually did a little exercise today, 15 minutes of a Joe Wicks session, whilst the session is for seniors (see above) I could do some more and will do later, even though its damn hot already outside today.

Gratitude:
I am employed and earning money to pay the bills

Random act of kindness:
None today

18th July 2021

I am fed up of being overweight, lethargic and just generally feeling like I’m 80 years old. My downside is that I am lazy, I know this so I find it a real challenge to improve in any areas that involve health and fitness. But I will try.

I was reading today about wellness, generally mental wellness to feeling better about ourselves, one suggestion was a journal so I’ll use this, it suggestion breaking thinsg down into six areas

Pleasure.
Positive strokes (whatever this means).
Lucky me.
Achievements.
Gratitude.
Random act of kindness.

All admit this all seems like pointless fluff to me and whilst not a cruel person, some of those seem foreign to me. I may not do all the criteria all the time, but ill try my best

Pleasure:
Listened to some music today, a little bit of deep house/garage from “The Gentleman” on yuo tube which I find uplifting and some of my more melancholy tunes that I go to, which whilst being “depressing” cheer me up, if that makes sense, well cheer up is the wrong word, more relaxes me

Positive:
Getting to the point where I am fed up (see above) and attempting to do start doing something about it

Lucky Me:
I’m breathing

Achievements:
Actually did a little exercise today, 15 minutes of a Joe Wicks session, it felt good, need to do more and look at diet too

Gratitude:
I don’t like this word, reminds me of something a preacher would say and I am not a religious man. But in the spirit of going with the flow… I’m breathing

Random act of kindness:
None today

And becuase I can here is one of the tracks I listened to today, love this tune

14th July 2021

Image by Eyasu Etsub

Mortality. It affects us all.

Sometimes when I speak to my mum (in her 80s) she says that death petrifies her, and it must be terrible knowing that that time will soon come and that there is nothing that you can do about it. Some people have no fear of it, some welcome it. We all have our own thoughts on it but regardless of what those thoughts are it is an inevitable consequence of life.

As someone who is well into their 50s I can say that it scares me. That opinion might change when i get to a “ripe old age” (assuming that happens) but as I sit here now it scares me, although I think the main things that scares me is how quick time is going, it rushes past like an express train. I remember snippets of youth and they seem so near, and yet they are not, maybe 20/25 years ago.

This may be wrong to think this way but to me, we give most of ourselves to work, those lucky enough to earn a wage to put a roof over our heads and food on the table (unless your rich in which case I doubt you will be reading this or even caring), then another big percentage is sleep. I do wonder how much time we have actually for oursleves.

Anyway I could ramble for hours and not make much sense, but just wanted to get this down that my thoughts are very much on the end game, even though I could have plenty more years in me, I know that I have less to come that what has already been.

13th May 2021

Tricky – Doorway EP

It’s normally after the 3rd beer starts to wear off that the low feelings creep in like the tide coming into the beach, unnoticable at first but relentless and in the end fully apparant. Today it was after 2 beers, one a 8.5% DIPA so not surprising really.

Today it is just a massive level of boredom towards everything, so much so that I think it would be best to just go to bed to get the day out of the way. This mood is furhter compounded by listening to this track by Tricky. The low, sad tones are so in tune with my mood, perhaps it is the cello I think it is a Cello anyway.

10th May 2021

Picture by Javier Esteban

I booked a table at a restaurant for June, to sit INSIDE and have a meal with 5 other people. Not been able to do that for a while. Hopefully work will start relaxing some of their rules too. I am particularly looking forward to not having to get multiple people to sign off on the visits I need to make, and not having to wear a face mask. The light at the end of this long, dark tunnel has got a little brighter and bigger.

Introverted/Extroverted

Picture by (unknown)

Do you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert?

In my adult life I have never wanted to be the centre of attention, flamboyant, oh look at me. I’d much rather stay on the fringes, not really being a loner per se but certainly not wanting everyone to notice me.

There has been times however when I wish that I had spoken up, normally around a female that I may have gotten close too but was too “scared” to make that last move or something like that, but I think that is more about being assertive rather than introverted or extroverted.

5th May 2021

I have a persona where it seems like I do not give a shit about much, and even I would like to believe that that is true to a certain point. The reality is a little different. I wonder how it is for other people, I would really like to know and/or ask but I am not sure how far that would get me.

On reflection, It is nice to be considered, to be thought of, even if it is something really simple. For example someone recently sent me a pic of some beers that they bought, no big deal, but these beers were some that I had bought out in Belgium when I was there for a birthday many moons ago, In fact I think I introduced the beers that this person was showing me by buying a gift set when I was out there.

So I asked (knowing that they work next door to the place they bought them in) can you please pop in and get me a couple of bottles and I’ll give you the dough, and they said that they would.

It’s not a big things is it, not a big ask and indeed they did look, but there was none on the shelf so they will go back and ask tomorrow and it is that that I like, you have been considered… thought of, that person knows what I like and has gone out to look for it.

But what If later today I got a “sorry I forgot” or something along those lines. We all forget, I’ve done it myself plenty of times and it is no really biggie if they had, BUT it shows a level of (you) being unimportant (to them). Which is fine unless most people you know seem to treat you in the same way, then you begin to feel unimportant.

From my perspective I generally have other people in mind, I know for example that this person likes hot sauce, or indeed, anything sauce wise that is a little unusual so when I was in Brighton last we went into a shop and they had a funky little bottle of Chipotle sauce, I bought it thinking “well I know X likes this kind of thing” and I gave it to them when I saw them, nothing in it really, just a bottle of sauce that cost a few quid, but what it did mean is that I thought of that person in that moment and bought a small gift knowing that it would bring some enjoyment.

Those moments matter, I like those moments, and when none of those moments come your way (or very rarely) you begin to feel unimportant.

30th April 2021

I was going to say that I have always been big, chunky, large…. fat. But that is not in fact the case. In my head it IS the case, but I’ve seen pictures of me back when I was 18 (a long long time ago) when I was on holiday and I very much wasn’t, Although I remember that holiday and remember at the time thinking that I was overweight then. What I would give to look like that now?

That is something a lot of people say isn’t it “What I would give to x” well the answer for many, including me is obviously not a lot because that belly ain’t getting smaller, and that is all on me, depressed or not, what I eat and drink is my choice and so my choice is to eat higher calorific foods and alcohol which isn’t geared towards keeping a human body trim and energetic.

The thing is, and this isn’t an excuse it is just my fact, and that is that having that beer, or having that Pizza makes me feel better at that time in a way that a salad never could. My challenge here is to not look at the immediate, but further down the road. But as I stood in the shower and couldn’t even see my feet when I looked down that challenge is looking impossible, especially when my mantra through life seems to be “path of least resistance

28th April 2021

I thought I was done with wordpress, but it would seem that that is not the case. Sometimes things drop into my brain that I want to write about, some (most) are so trivial but as I seem to be in an upward swing of wanting to just write something I figured i’d revisit the old place, assuming I can work out how WordPress works these days of course.

If the things that pop into my head actually make it here it will be mainly about thoughts and feelings. I’ve updated the about page, and I will also go back on my previous posts, not only to read them to see what I was doing/feeling back then, but to also sort any typos and such. Hopefully that wont put me off coming back 🙂

26th August 2020

Picture by Kyle Glenn

Depression, or at least my experience of it is that no one notices, or they pretend not to notice so they can avoid the subject (maybe). I’ve read things about people who have, or attempted to take their own life and the people around them have gone on record as saying “they could have reached out to me” or “why didn’t they ask for help” or something similar; and it’s funny because even reading those lines I realise that the onus is on the person with the illness to reach out, rather than those around them noticing and stepping up.

My experience of it is that your friends stop asking you out because “you never come anyway”.

My experience of it is that nothing is said at home even though to me, I am obviously feeling down and that surely others should fucking well notice that should they open their eyes.

And yes, if someone asks me how I am doing I may say “not bad” or “Yeah I’m OK” so I am not doing myself any favours. Perhaps one day I should say “actually I am glad you asked, I feel really shitty and lost and everything is going downhill” ill take bets on that person not asking that question ever again, or maybe even avoiding you in the future.

Life can change in an instant, be it an accident, a job loss or change (which incidentally has happened to me (job change)) and it can turn things backwards almost without warning. As I get older I realise just how susceptible we are to other people actions and how close we are to find ourselves homeless with nowhere to go and no one to turn to.